So, the guilt is starting to set in, knowing that I am going to be leaving in 2 more days... Today was stressful.. Evan was really acting out.. He likes to scream a lot and the walls in this apartment are very thin... So, when you are down the hall at the other end of the building you can hear him... He wants what he wants, when he wants it... I guess that is why "they" call it the, "Oh my fucking god" two's... Well, maybe "they"don't say that..... Any way, I am starting to feel the heart hurt... It is hard to explain, but when I walk into his room and watch him sleep, it just melts my heart... I feel bad leaving him, like I am the worst parent in the world... Like I am like my father who left me.. Like I am going to shatter his little hopes and dreams... So that makes me just want to puke... But I think it is better at this age, instead of this happening at 8,9,10 and so on... Or, maybe I am saying this to convince myself that I am doing the right thing.........
OH, EVAN, I AM GOING TO FIX ME.... I PROMISE.... I AM SCREWED IN THE HEAD... I HAVE TO GET STUFF RIGHT... I HAVE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT IN MY LIFE, SO THAT I CAN BE THE FATHER YOU NEED.... OH MY SON, I LOVE YOU AND I AM SORRY FOR ANY PAIN OR HURT I HAVE CAUSED YOU.... LOVE YOU BUD....
2 comments:
Your little boy is so adorable you must be doing something right. I think that you are doing the right thing, Evan may not understand at this time but he is young and at that age I think its better they don't always know the whole thing. All he has to know is no matter what you will always be there for him and love him, thats all a child really wants from their parents! I think that you are doing a good job of that and I don't doubt that when Evan gets older he will be thankful that you took the time to get things figured out and start a life you are happy with.
Crusier- Hey thanks for the encouragement (s/p) It is nice to know that I might be doing the right thing.. And not turning my son in to an axe murderer... So, thanks for the comment....
Post a Comment