Well, today, it has been a week since the family left. I guess it really hits me when I walk into a very empty apartment. I sit on the couch and slowly look around. White walls are the only things that stare back at me. There is no laughter from my son. There is no smell of food cooking on the stove. No wife to ask me how my day was. And honestly this is probably my fault. I sometimes wonder if we made the right choice in leaving each other. As I sit here and write in this venting space of mine I feel a bit sick... Sick like I have lost my soul. Sick like my heart is missing a large chunk. I have some friends around, but really, no one with good honest advice. Some are dating, some are single, and well others just don't have a fucking clue... I want to talk with some one but there isn't anyone. All I get from people is, "I wish I knew what to tell you." And other bullshit statements.
You want to tell me something? Tell me why is that everything I touch, I fuck up. Tell me that. Tell me why you want to bullshit with me and not really truly care about me. Tell me why you all are so, self centered, and its all about you and you ask me for answers about your problems and I try to give you something, and then you never return my needs.......... I really shouldn't put any of my problems on any one. Its my life and my fuck up... So, I will just shut my mouth about my issues, and not share them... But next time I get a question about something, so petty and simple, I will probably just laugh and walk away. NOW THIS IS NOT A BITCHING SESSION ABOUT ANYONE PERSON!!!!!!!!!
Today, I was going to stay up in Monte and stay with the wife and kid.. Once again, I fucked shit up... I got into an argument with Amanda and I ended up, being told to leave.. Shit! I never know when to just leave shit alone.... I guess the up side to all this today, is that, for about 2hours I got to see them... I need to vent... I have been hurt. Yes, me, big tough guy Josh, has been hurt... I need some peace... Fuck me......... I want to smash my face into this damn screen right now.... I want to jump off a tall structure.... I want happiness. I want to be alright. I want to truly care about shit.....
My greatest fear is to lose my greatest joy!!!!!!
My Family!!!!!!!
11 comments:
I think that you need to not let people in your life make decisions for you. You need to decide for yourself what you want out of life. Vent to someone that doesn't really know you or your situation and can have an outside look on things. Don't let things bother you so much because then those people or situations win on what really matters and thats just livin life the way u want to the fullest and no one should stop you..if they don't like what you are doing then they can move on people like that shouldnt matter...there are people who will like you for all your flaws and perfections and dont cause drama over stupid situations...life is too short to worry about makin others happy in all honesty you need to worry about yourself and do whatever it is that makes you happy!
Well, um I agree with everything "Anonymous" posted.. Thank you... Maybe next time you can leave me some kind of name or something so I know who you are. :) But thank you, I need to follow my heart....
I've been where you are once..not married but with someone for along time thought that i should be with them forever..i always knew deep down that it wasnt right and i wasnt really happy then one day i just decided that i didnt want to waste my time thinking of how happy i wanted to be i wanted to be happy...i ended up ending the relationship and ive been single for 4 years now at times it was rough but the last 2 years ive been having the time of my life...i dont worry about whats going to happen i just do what i want to go when i want as long as im happy...friends have come and go because they dont all agree with my decisions but i figure if they cant stick by me thru anything then they arent friends to begin with...dont let the fear of being alone cloud your judgement on your own happiness...for now im going to stay "Anonymous" i am a good listener if you ever want to vent to someone who doesnt really know you or your situation...live your days one by one and try not to worry about the future cause in reality you never know when your time is over and i know i want to die happy if nothing else
Sooooo, we are going to be like that huh? Well, You do have great advice and I thank you... I will take your advice and try to apply it to areas of life. But atleast tell me something, are you a male, or female?!?!?
I am a female who has learned from many of her own mistakes and knows a little about what you are feeling.
hmmmmmm, so do I know you? or do I know of you.. Cause let me be honest with you, not to many people leave these kind of answers or advice on my blog.
here's some advice for u: this anonymous person is an idiot. don't take marital advice from people who have never been married, because being "boyfriend/girlfriend" is NOTHING like being married, and u know it.
you yourself have the ability to change. obviously you are unhappy - do something about it! your wife and son and baby to be are in your life for a reason. you will ALWAYS have ties with them. you can make it work and find true joy!!!
don't give up on your life or self - you are a fighter.
it can get better!!!
anonymous- Um, ok now I don't know who this is but, don't be so hard on her, or youself? Ne way all advice is taken and applied to a certian extent. But I don't think anyone is an idiot... Also I do agree that being married is different then dating but damn, be kinda nice...
Vanessa- Hey girl, your back and your posting. Impressive... And to you,I say, your right, and thank you... I am a fighter, but as a fighter it seems like I can get beat down really hard and it becomes tough to get up again. But what makes me get up again, well, I am a ass, and you can't keep an ass down for long... Thanks V.....
In response to the anonymous who would like to call me an idiot, ive never said i knew what it was like to be married and who says that you cant have some of the same problems when you are bf/gf and married...advice is just advice and a person can take it anyway they want it, when you have to name call someone it just means that you arent confident with yourself so grow a backbone you sound like a jealous wife! As for unclekracker26 just because you aren't with your wife and kids literally doesnt mean that they wont ever be in your life..they will always be a big part of your life and some people find out that it works better being close friends then together. Good luck with whatever you decide...I hope to hear thru the vine that everything turns out fine.
Ok, so I have 2 people going back a forth on my issue. I kinda like that. In saying that, now I would like to tell Anonymous#1 to continue to shed the advice. Also, that wasn't a jealous wife. My wife hasn't posted on this, plus she always leaves her name..
Anonymous#2- Thank you for your post but lets keep this nice. Remember this is my blog and I do like people to leave comments but all advice is taken and then sorted out...
Thank you both-KRACKER
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